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New Start <3. [12 Dec 2006|09:08pm]
[ mood | artistic ]

New life here.

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Schooooooolll! [23 Aug 2006|11:43pm]
[ mood | tired ]

I decided to switch it up. And update.

School is to start soon. I am ready, almost. I feel good about the summer work I turned in and I'm glad it isn't hanging above my head anymore. I like my schedule besides the fact that I have 0 period which requires me to be at school at 7 in the morning. But it's only for a semester. And taking it gives me 5 extra credits, that I do need.

I've set many goals for this year that I plan on reaching. Being in the top 20 or 15 of the class which will take ALOT of hard work. But I want to do itttt. And yeah, I'm excited I suppose.

Um. Ah. Bash. We are still together, if that's what you call it. He's a great person but sometimes he tries to act macho and like he runs the show. And that's not how it is but I also see that I like him enough to not try to prove him wrong. I need to speak my mind more.

I guess I'll update more later. I'm kinda tired. See ya.

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[13 Jul 2006|09:54pm]
Long time, no update. Too long. Wow. Hello, again. Don't worry, I think I am still the same. But lots of things have changed. I really hope I understand some kind of point to typing all of this.

I guess replying to my last entry would be smartest. Uh, I don't talk to Mamel anymore. Well, basically I don't. Civil "hello"s and "what's up"s are still enforced. I don't much think about him at all. But there is still that small prick underneath my skin when I see him come online or that small pinch of pain everytime I look into his eyes. But that will go away with time.

I got back from Kansas on the 6th of this month. My grandpa was in the hospital the duration of our trip and is still there now. I didn't visit him as much as I should have but there is nothing really I can do about that. He didn't seem so menacing all thin and lying barely breathing in his little electronic bed. He was a lot nicer and kinder. I wish I had met that Papa when I was a little kid. It's sad that it took this severe illness to reveal this loving side of him. Anyway, I mostly hung around the house and spent time with Bekkah and her family. They were my escape. Thank goodness. Bought stuff nothing imporant.

For my birthday, in June, I went to the Live 105 BFD taken by my father and his friend Kris. Frankees and Naomi came as well. It was a fucking blast. We were packed into crowds singing along the whole day. I met this boy named David who was SUPER FUCKING CUTE but nothing that special. I saw Two Seconds <3333 and the main band AFI <3333333! Just a lovely day. I also hung out with a boy named Sebastian alot that day. And by the end of the night he had kissed me. Nice boy, I say.

Since BFD we basically hang out every single day as well as talk on the phone. No asking out has been done, but it doesn't really matter. I like him, he likes me. Happiness is spread.

I didn't pass the AP European History exam, but that shouldn't have been expected. I am a fucking idiot. My GPA was an extreme low, which will probably guarantee my inacceptance into college. But oh well. I REALLY don't feel like dwelling on either of those topics.

I need to get out and do something. I am kind of grounded though because I dropped my cell phone into the bay and I had to tell my dad that I dropped it in the toilet and he wasn't that angry because he did the same with his pager.
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Horrible Day. [30 May 2006|09:17pm]
[ mood | pessimistic ]

Well. Today was SHIT. I ate lunch by myself because Frankees didn't go to school and I saw Emmanuel on several different occasions but not one word was spoken between us. And he didn't... Come to PE. I called him 6th period and hung up. And then he called back but I just wanted him to see that I called. I didn't want him to call back. I wanted him to read "Lauren." So, for the past couple days I've realized that Mamel no longer likes me. Yes. It's true I have proof.

Emmanuel: r u okay?
Lauren: does it matter?
Lauren: i'm just going crazy, sorry
Lauren: are you okay?
Emmanuel: yeah
Lauren: ok
Lauren: ew, sorry if i'm like bothering you
Lauren: ugh
Lauren: i... am stupid
Emmanuel: ok look u'r probly expecting me to ask u out...people have told me to ask u out but the truth is that...i dont wanna say that im scared but i feel like im not ready...i almost lose my friends for one girl already because i made everything about that girl...no matter how much i think about being with you, something inside me tells me to not get in a relationship yet. i thought i was strong and everything that happened with chelsea didnt have any meaning but i guess it really affected me...
Lauren: it's not like i didn't know this
Lauren: i didn't expect you to ask me out
Lauren: everyone else did
Lauren: i wanted to get to know you first
Emmanuel: i told u this because i dont want you to think that i might ask you out soon
Lauren: i don't
Lauren: after friday night i thought you didn't like me at all
Lauren: why do you not answer my calls either?
Lauren: i mean, i've seen the way you check your phone
Lauren: it's not like you don't see i'm calling
Emmanuel: idk
Lauren: yes you do
Lauren: you don't want to talk to me
Emmanuel: idk
Lauren: it's obvious and like i... i broke up with charles
Lauren: because i lost interest in him
Lauren: not because of you
Lauren: but i had also fallen for you, hard
Emmanuel: okay thats good
Lauren: and i guess because i've spent more time with you... lots of time
Lauren: i've begun to REALLY REALLY like you
Lauren: and like all of a sudden you've just removed yourself
Lauren: and i feel like i'm like stuck, like i can't move
Lauren: i guess you don't understand
Lauren: i can't deal with it, i am going crazy
[Time passes]
Lauren: ok
Lauren: don't say anything
Lauren: hahhaha
locomamel05: what u want me to say
Lauren: i don't know
Lauren: something

Sorry to write about nothing but him but really there is nothing else to write about. I've realized that these things (journals) aren't for recording your daily activites because no one cares about them. It's for thoughts and feelings. I mean the only people with interesting lives are fictional characters, like girls from the Dear America books. They have journey's that actually mean something. They cope, they lose, they smile, they fight, they live. Some people live interesting lives. Some people do go through extreme changes and revelations and deal with everything extremely well. People. Normal people. We don't really live. Well, I don't. But we are amazing in the way that we feel.

I feel pain. And sadness. I hate this. I don't feel this way. Fuck this.

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[26 May 2006|06:09pm]
"Well, I've been re-reading my entries and using the word "choose" when talking about Emmanuel and Charles, because that wasn't even it. I didn't choose. It's difficult to explain. Choosing wasn't involved. Maybe it was. It was who I liked more. There is always that person that you hurry to see or you stall, something. And it kills you when you don't see them and when they are around you feel like jumping up and down and screaming until your lungs look like a shrivled up balloon."

Oddly, that was saved for a previous entry which I never really made. A lot has happened since that entry, or maybe not. I don't know.

I posted my last entry on Wednesday the 17th and later that night I broke up with Charles. I would have done it in person, sure. But I have not gotten that much confidence yet. I cried on the phone. I am such trash.

I'm not with Emmanuel. Like one may think. Well I guess I am. He hasn't asked me... But it's like we are together. But sometimes I think he doesn't like me, And he may not like me at all. That would suck though. Because he made me... I've fallen for him pretty fucking hard. It's kind of ridiculous. Because I'm hella not like that. Like normally I'll just like someone. 'Cept Ian. Anyway. Yes. Yes. Mamel.

And. Blaine likes me. I guess I like Blaine. I... don't really know. When I think of or say the word "like" all I think of is Mamel so maybe I don't like Blaine at all. But sometimes I think I kinda do. Ugh. Don't worry. I am NOT in the same situation as I was with Charles and Emmanuel. There is no doubt in my mind that I like Mamel more. No doubt. I just don't know what to DO about Blaine. Haha. Damn. I sould like a bitch.

I hope I'm not a bitch. I really don't want to come off as a bitch. Oh goodness, no. I try and be as non-bitchy as a can. Hopefully I'm not being so nice that I appear as a bitch just being nice. FUCK.

So today. I saw the most beautiful woman. In a shoe store. She was elegant and sexy. But it was weird. She was just so damn beautiful. Like she was just wearing sandals and capris and a shirt and a jacket. Not like brillant clothing. She was just so amazing. Wow. Wow. That woman. Wow.
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Hm. [17 May 2006|08:35pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

Hello, I am Lauren and I am a bad person. This whole choosing thing is hella gay to me. I wish things were easier. I haven't talked to Charles yet and I am reluctant (I can't spell) to call him. Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh. Fuck shit. I really don't like doing homework. But I also really don't like have an F and two D's so I should probably do it. Fuck. Ugh. I really like Lacuna Coil. Jeez. I'm going to the BFD for my birthday. I'm juiced. I'm going to Franny and my dad and Kris, my dad's friend. Bryce is going too, but not with us. I have alcohol in my dresser and I need to decide what to with it. I don't want to drink it right now, obviously. I wonder if it goes bad. Hm. Flipping a pencil between my fingers will never get old. I... Am gay.

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I have decided. [17 May 2006|01:57pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

I want to be with Emmanuel. I have decided.

We have been talking about it alot. I didn't talk to him for like 2 days and ignored him when ever possible. Yesterday I did my normal rude looks and angry sighs whenever I saw him. Before 3rd period started I went into Rod's class and I sat down next to Ian. Then the door opened and it was of course, Emmanuel. He caught me eyes and stared at me for like 10 whole seconds. No one noticed and then we went downstairs to the library and the first thing I see is Kristopher and I know Emmanuel is with him. So it's hella awkward and annoying being in the library. And finally school ends and I'm juiced to just go home and when I get on the bus guess who's there. E-fucking-mmanuel. Ugh. That boy needs to go home. I asked him why he was on the bus and he said it was to show me that he is everywhere and I can't escape him. But he's already in my thoughts 24/7 so it doesn't matter whether he's on the bus or in the library or sticks his god damn beautiful ass head into Rod's class.

Charles and I don't hang out that much anyway. Hopefully I will talk to him tonight and I'll be able to break up with him. I don't know how it's all going to go down because Charles can be very understanding at times but he can get really angry at others. I will still go with him to prom if that's something he wants. I don't mind. I just don't want him to be angry with me. Ugh. I don't want Algebra class to be awkward and I don't want the whole fucking baseball team to hate me. I just want everything to be calm and easy. Oh please, let this be easy.

Also, I am very sick. I think it's because of the cookies I ate from DECA yesterday. I threw up once yesterday around 8 and then last night at 3 fucking o'clock in the morning. Shit. I hate throwing up and being sick.

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Fuck this. [15 May 2006|03:50pm]
[ mood | angry ]

I sent this to Frankees last night:

Emmanuel told me that he doesn't want to be with me. He just wants to be my friend. After he kissed me today. He also doens't want people to think bad of him if I leave Charles and then be with him because everyone will think that he like took me from Charles. Frankees. What the fuck? So basically he waits for me to like him the most and then says, "Hey, sorry, but I don't want you." Um. I am like numb. I am bubbly inside and I'm shaking. I... I really like Emmanuel now. Really, really, really. He said, "Sorry for messing with your emotions." And I asked him if my messing he means like pretending with me but I don't think he answered me. I feel sick.

So basically, what the fuck!? Ummm. I woke up hella early and rode my bike down to the other side of the island to see that bitch. We had an awesome time together which really made me realize that I like Emmanuel sooooo much. Oh my god. We were just sitting on the beach and all of a sudden he was kissing me. There were no warning or anything. I can't believe this all. And then I get home and basically tell him that I am going to break up with Charles and he busts out a, "Uh, I have something to tell you." And tells me that he doesn't want a relationship. It would have been nicer if he had told me hella long ago. I mean, fuck. He waited until I liked him the most. And he knows it. He played me. Oh how I wish he hadn't. I feel sick. I have no appetite. I can't spell. But I think I actually did spell that right.

Fuck this all.

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WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT MAN!? [10 May 2006|04:29pm]
[ mood | and happy ]

Well, Emmanuel has ticked me. He's impossible. I don't get it. How can one... Bounce around like this. He's just testing me. I know it. He made me like him and now he's fucking with my emotions to make me fall deeper. Master plan. He's amazing. He really is. He's sly, slick, smooth, and beautiful (sorry to ruin the alliteration.) There was more before this. He called me told right after school. I didn't notice until around 4:10 so I called him back but I thought he didn't naswer... Apparently he did. I bugged him about what he called about but he told me he wasn't going to tell me.

Emmanuel: okay what r u doing?
sLowLy cRushiNg: i am sitting here avoiding doing biology so that i don't have to go to practice
sLowLy cRushiNg: what are you doing?
Emmanuel: i wanna see you
sLowLy cRushiNg: that's...
sLowLy cRushiNg: what are you doing to me?
Emmanuel: i wanna see you
sLowLy cRushiNg: emmanuel...
sLowLy cRushiNg: of course i feel the same
Emmanuel: right now
sLowLy cRushiNg: everytime i try to think... i try to... do anything
sLowLy cRushiNg: all i do is think about you
sLowLy cRushiNg: all i do
Emmanuel: i wanna see you right now
Emmanuel: can i see u?
sLowLy cRushiNg: why!?
sLowLy cRushiNg: you done with me you said it yourself
Emmanuel: can i?
sLowLy cRushiNg: i don't know
sLowLy cRushiNg: please
sLowLy cRushiNg: i'm afraid that if you come here you will tell me that you hate me or something
sLowLy cRushiNg: it's a trap
Emmanuel: can we meet somewhere?
sLowLy cRushiNg: i can't leave
sLowLy cRushiNg: emmanuel don't come here
sLowLy cRushiNg: it will only cause me to think about you more
sLowLy cRushiNg: you don't like me anymore
Emmanuel: take a ride on ur bike and come over here
sLowLy cRushiNg: i did that yesterday
sLowLy cRushiNg: and i prayed that you would appear
sLowLy cRushiNg: but you didn't
sLowLy cRushiNg: i can't go i told my mom i have hella homework
sLowLy cRushiNg: so if you come here she will be angry
Emmanuel: ok
sLowLy cRushiNg: because i will be spending time not doing my homework
sLowLy cRushiNg: plus, i do have a lot
sLowLy cRushiNg: i have fucking hella
Emmanuel: alright
sLowLy cRushiNg: why do you want to see me?
Emmanuel: thats your hw
Emmanuel: figure it out
sLowLy cRushiNg: ok
sLowLy cRushiNg: how can you be "done with me" and then suddenly want to see me
Emmanuel: i have to test you one more time before giving up
Emmanuel: brb
Emmanuel: yeah
sLowLy cRushiNg: alright
sLowLy cRushiNg: why?
sLowLy cRushiNg: i thought you were through with me
sLowLy cRushiNg: i don't get you
Emmanuel: u wont
sLowLy cRushiNg: that's torture you know
sLowLy cRushiNg: i don't get it
Emmanuel: hey i dont get u too
sLowLy cRushiNg: you knew i was riding my bike to your house yesterday...
sLowLy cRushiNg: whoa i am quite easy to understand
Emmanuel: hahaha oookay
Emmanuel: i though u were gonna call me or something
sLowLy cRushiNg: when?
sLowLy cRushiNg: oh
sLowLy cRushiNg: no, no way
sLowLy cRushiNg: i couldn't
Emmanuel: i cant wait outside until u appear
sLowLy cRushiNg: haha true
sLowLy cRushiNg: i thought you would call me

Those are the main parts. This kid is driving me insane. And both he and I love every minute of it.

What the fuck.

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It's All Downhill From Here [09 May 2006|09:51pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

Well, from the title of this it should be apparently that everything is shitty right now.

Emmanuel has claimed that he is "done with me" which is something that really shouldn't make me sad, angry, happy, thankful, or anything. I shouldn't think anything about it... But of course it's the complete opposite for me. He doesn't talk to me or look at me, he just runs away anytime I get near him, just... It's like he hates me. And I... Miss him. And I want him to talk to me. I want him to hug me and tell me that he likes me... Like he used to. I want him.

Okay, so what do I do about it?

I mean, I still like Charles. Maybe I don't like Charles as much as I like Emmanuel. But there is not way I could ever hurt Charles which is like the thing that's holding me back from doing anything. I can't cope with people being mad at me because it makes everything awkward. Especially since Charles is in my Algebra class. I just can't do it. Maybe I can. I don't know. I've only ever dumped anyone once that I did it hella dumbly because I am hella gay.

And now it's just so bad. Emmanuel is really distant and it's driving me crazy.

It's like... Do I cover my feelings and act like I don't care that he doesn't like me anymore and act like I don't like him or do I make it apparent that I like him and maybe he will start to like me again?

What do you do when you like someone more than you like your boyfriend but being with your boyfriend is more logical then being with the other person?

Ugh. Fuck this shitttt.

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Kyle dream. [02 May 2006|09:39pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I had the fucking scariest dream about Kyle Wrigely last night. Well, I went to sleep and in my dream I was sleeping. But my phone rang and I didn't pick it up. After I awake minutes after it rang, I checked it and it said that Kyle had called and left me a voicemail. And I called the voicemail and he said something along the lines of, "Hey, I really need you right now, I really need to talk to you. I have to tell you something." And I don't remember calling him but suddenly we were talking ont he phone and he told me that some guy in Iraq had to go home or died or something but they needed a replacement and it was between him and some other guy of who was going to go to Iraq. I said something like, "Well, they either have to send the other guy or find someone else." And I think I mentioned something about how the army was stupid but I don't remember exaclty and he said, "Stupid?! You are saying that it's stupid!? STUPID!?" And I said, "NO! It's not stupid! I don't mean that... But it's like... I wouldn't get involved and I don't believe in what thr army does. Well, not that I don't believe in it, just that I don't approve." I can no longer remember how the conversation ended but I woke up as soon as the conversation ended, sitting straight up in my bed. I grabbed at the necklace he gave me, hanging on my bulletin board and kissed it. Then I got something to drink. It was just really scary. Oh my god. I just don't want him to put himself in danger... Or be sent into danger. I miss that b... Man and I wish that ne never left.

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Lately... [02 May 2006|09:16pm]
[ mood | confused ]

Well, lately my life has been pretty... Confusing. Which is something quite new to me because normally I know exactly what my mind is thinking... And what my heart is wanting. But that has recently all changed.

You know those stupid movies that are made everyone in a while were there is a girl who is with some guy and another comes along and you, the watcher, know that this other guy is bad, but the girl doesn't see it but normally ends up with the good guy, the one she is with in the beginning because she realizes that the guy that tried to steal her away was bad? Well what if neither of the boys are bad...

I am still with Charles which is great because I really like him and we've been able to make this work, this relationship. I have been the longest relationship he has ever had and that really makes him happy, and seeing that happiness in him makes me happy.

But, I don't know when, but maybe about a month ago I was innocently walking to my locker after 2nd period and I saw the most beautiful pair of eyes I have ever seen and they were staring straight into mine. I recognized the possessor of these eyes to be my friend, Chelsea's boyfriend, Emmanuel. But maybe by the end of that week I had been told that they had broken up a couple weeks before then. I started to think about why I suddenly noticed him walk by me after 2nd period and it was because I had never seen him walk by before. It's over half way through the year and suddenly he starts walking by. That definitely made me wonder. And then he started walking by my 3rd period class and then we became myspace friends. I remember teh first day I hung out with Emmanuel and Frankees at lunch and after lunch I went to PE and then he... He came to my PE class and sat down and was... Watching me. And I asked him why he came to my PE class and he said he went so that he could see me. We spent many more lunches together and lots of time talking on the phone and at school and he's even come over to my house. And now I... I like him. And it's weird to think that it all started because I just... I glanced up at some destined time and saw his eyes. Oh my god, his eyes. I don't know how to describe them. They are the most amazing eyes I have ever seen. And I mean, they aren't some spectactular color or anything... But they are overwhelming and captivating. We had a routine now. Sometimes I see him before 1st period, and always after 2nd, and usually before 3rd. We have lunch about 2 days out of the week and he comes to my PE class everyday. He's surounded me with himself and I can't seem to fight back... I don't want to.

And I'm not exactly sure what to do. I've always thought that girls who like two people are stupid because they always like one of the guys mroe and they should go with that guy... But I don't know if I like either of them more... I mean. It's hard to say. I don't think I do... I don't know. I can't be sure of anything anymore.

Since Emmanuel has walked into my life I eat cereal with a fork and put my shoes on the wrong feet.

And I like it.

But I like Charles as well. He's so sweet and understanding. He always makes me laugh and always includes me.

Emmanuel... He could change his whole schedule to come see me. He's walked 17 blocks to my house 3 times! And 2 of those times he has only seen more for likr 5 minutes. But he doesn't care. As long as he gets to see me he is happy.

Charles would never do that. But I know that Charles cares. He cares soooo much. He said, hahaha, that if I suddenly died he would turn gay because he doesn't want to be with another girl. Now, I know that probably wouldn't happen. But it's sweet, right?

I wake Emmanuel up in the morning because he wantes my voice to be the first thing he hears so that he can get the movitvation to go to school just to see me. Who does that!?

I am torn. I am stupid. I am horrible. And I am confused out of my mind.

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Nothing. [20 Feb 2006|02:35pm]
[ mood | busy ]

I come here ever so often to write some breath taking entry that will make me sigh every time I come to read it, but I've finally realized that there is nothing I have to say. No one reads this, so nothing really that important. I mean, I continue on through my life, day to day, and obviously my life changes, but never so much to where I feel it noteable. Whatever. Wooh. Look. Some pointless entry for no one to read.

Yesterday Charles Targett asked me out. Day before that was Saturday and I chilled with him. On Friday I went to Berkelely with all the Bayfarm kids and we smoked a lot and I wanted to buy a pipe but I spent my money on pizza and a Tori Amos CD. And on Thursday, I drank hella and chilled with Targett.

The end.

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Hoooohhh Dang [21 Dec 2005|12:06pm]
[ mood | content ]

I told you I suck at updating. Well I think I told you that. If I didn't.. I SUCK AT UPDATING.

Nothing much really going on.

Um... I'm single because Jesse dumped me saying that I am too young, tied down, and my parents are scary. He thinks if we ever really DID anything my parents would sue him and it would be all bad. But I don't think so. I don't know. They're weird... But understanding. Well, maybe not. Oh well, I mean, there's nothing I can do about it. I still really like him though. And I hate it.

I'm started smoking a lot. I still like drinking better. I like smoking though. It's tight. I get hella like lose and laid back.

Ummmmmm... That's all I suppose?

Oh yeah...


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Yes, I Would Like A Frenectomy. [29 Oct 2005|11:52am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

I've been trying to update this for like 2 days, I just can't seem too. I wrote quite a bit yesterday too. Hmmmm.

And this time I have major news! Haha.

I went to the dentist the other day. No that is not the major news. And the dentist was exaiming my teeth with her little red mirror. And she took it out of my mouth and put it in front of my mouth. "Now Lauren, I want you to touch my mirror with your tongue." So I stick my tongue out. And I pushed and pushed but I just couldn't reach her stupid mirror. "Come on, touch it." "I'm sorry, I don't think I can." At that point she asked me to open my mouth and lift up my tongue. When I did she said, "You are tongue tied." "Huh?" "You're tongue tied, your tongue is attached to the bottom of your mouth reall high up on your tongue, you can fix that, people with lisps often.." "IT CAN GET RID OF MY LISP!?" "There's a possibility." "K, get my mom over here right now." And my mom agreed to the surgery. It's called a Frenectomy. And I'm getting it on Friday. It's a minor procedure, nothing big. No possibility or death. And I'm really excited. My mother says that if me lisp doesn't go away then she'll get me speech therapist. It'll be amazing. Talking without a lisp. I mean, it makes me really self-concious. And it keeps me from doing things I've always wanted to, like be in a play or sing. Sing, mainly. I have kept myself from going into Talent Shows because of my lisp. I don't like talking to people, or talking in general because of it. And it have it be gone. That's amazing. That's unthinkable. And it'll be weird for other people, because I can't hear it, everyone else does. But they'll get used to it.

Anything else? Not really. I got to spend like 2 hours with Jesse yesterday which was big since I haven't spent time with him is soooo long, because of being grounded and whatnot. We just chilled in his car outside the house listening to music. Just talking and stuff. Damn. We haven't just talked in a really long time. It was cool. I miss it. We kissed a little bit to, of course, but my parents were home and they could have easliy been watching us so we didn't do much. Around 5 my mother came out and requested that I go inside, but Jesse had to leave anyway. I gathered my things and said goodbye and he drove away.

As soon as I got in the house my mom was like, "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING, SPENDING 2 HOURS JUST SITTING OUT THERE!?" And I said, "Well, after a while I figured that it would be apparent that I was going to sit out there for a while with him." "Well, I tried to call your cell phone and you didn't pick up!" "Oh, yeah, it feel out of my pocket onto the floor..." Which it did. "...And I forgot to pick it up." At that moment our talking escalated into screaming commissioned mainly by my father. He was screaming right in my face about how I can never remember things and how I treat everything that it doesn't really matter. My mother kept repeating, "Stupid girl." Over and over. But I just don't understand. It's not like the cell phone would have been gone forever and I would never have gotten it back. It was in Jesse's car. What the hell. They really didn't need to flip out so bad. Anyway, I got ahold of Jesse and he dropped the cell phone off while my parents were out at dinner. We talked outside for a little bit, and kissed too. More kissing than we have done since as my mother calls it the "incident." Which was refreshing for me and for him, I know. So in the end that fact that I forget my cell phone in his car did us both good.

That's really all that's happened I guess.

My soccer game got canceled today because of the rain and there was barely any so what the fuck.

Tonight we are going to dinner for my father and I can actaully postponing getting ready to finally posted this long overdue entry.

Thank you.

I love you all.

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Hm... CDS! [22 Oct 2005|11:33pm]
[ mood | bored ]

I seem to have more time on my hands these days than I normally do. Or maybe Myspace is just getting boring. Anyway...

I went to Rasputin with my father today.

One CD I got was the Still single by Persephone. Which is amazing because there were only 999 copies made all over the world. This CD is one I've only dreamt about. I never thought I'd own it. It's hell of good too. And I got it for $9.99! How amazing is that?! In the used section homie. And in the uh... Regular section they had another CD by her that I want to go back and get. But they probably wont have it next time and that sucks ass. But oh well.

I also got the new t.A.T.u. CD which Westyn recommended to like the whole world. Plus, I love t.A.T.u. and the CD was a mere $8.99. So why not.

I got the new cKy CD in the used section for like uh... 5.95! Hell of a good price. And it's new! Came out like 3 months ago. I wish I could have gotten their 2nd CD for that price, but they didn't have it used or in the regular section.

And I got a Sevendust CD called Home. It's pretty good. Sounds HELL OF like Soil. And I hell of love Soil. So it's all good.

That's pretty much it...

I don't know what else to say. Okay. Bye.

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Hella! [21 Oct 2005|03:47pm]
[ mood | bored ]

I'm really bored right now, so I decided to update.

Nothing much has been going on... Um... Me and Jesse are good?

I like him hella much. He's fun and crazy and dorky, just like me.

I cried last night... Haven't cried in a long while. It was over some stess and shit. AP European is a bitch and Mr. Rod can't explain shit for shit so I did it wrong. And Becky helped me and Jen helped me with the homework so it's okay.

I've been falling asleep in class lately. I've been working too hard. It's all bad. Even though I say it's all good I know it isn't. Oh well. I mean, what am I supposed to say? I'm not the kind of person and rants and raves to other people are her problems. I think it's dumb. I'll just suck it up and deal with it. Not like normal though, I promised Jesse I wouldn't deal with it like I normally do. So that makes it a little harder. But I'm surviving.

Man, my friend, she deals with shit herself too. It's weird though, because sometimes I can't tell wether or not she's been dealing recently or not. Normally, I can tell. With her I can't. Maybe it's the way she does it. I'm not sure. I need to talk to her about it.

Yes. That's all. Bye.

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Hella Weeks... [14 Oct 2005|10:35pm]
[ mood | irritated ]

It's kind of sad when you don't update for so long that you forget how to make your entry all nice. Oh nevermind, I don't know what you call it. That HTML shit. Yeah, when you forget that. But it's okay. Because I remembered that shit, maaannn.

So, basically, my life has DRASTICALLY changed. I hell of don't like Nelsen anymore, which was what I said in the last entry. But Nelsen is still a fucking cool ass guy with whom I haven't hung out with in OVER a month. That's how drastic this change is. I haven't GONE TO BAYFARM in OVER A MONTH! Wow. It's weird though. I hell of miss it. But I'm grounded... And I'll get into that later. But as soon as this shit is lifted, I'm off to Bayfarm. But ONLY for kicking it. ANOTHER CHANGE?! HELL YEAH! And I'll explain that later, too.

Since Kyle has left, we have traded a few letters. Him to me more than me to him, but that's because the letter I sent him... I mean... What I said... I didn't know what to say back. I told him that I didn't feel the same anymore. I haven't seen him in hell of long. Over two months. That's too long for me. I'm sorry, but it is. But, so, we're not like "together" anymore. And he called me yesterday. On my cell. Unfortunately, I am hell of sick and I was downstairs resting when he called and I didn't know because it was upstairs. What the heck, man. Because I hell of wanted to talk to him. I know it would have been awkward, like that's guaranteed, but still to tell him what's up and to explain why I only wrote one letter. Because, not knowing what to say WAS one of the reasons I never replied back, but another was because I'm taking that damn AP European History class. So I just about have NO TIME AT ALL. Ugh. And I have hella homework this weekend... Anyway, I missed his call. He said he'd call again. Maybe next time I'll get his call. But I also don't want to talk to him, I hate awkwardness, it's one of the worst and unfriendly things to experience. Oh well, I mean, what is there I can do about it? I certiantly can't ignore him forever, that's all bad. BUT... There is this huge other thing that Kyle will definitely not want to hear about.

Jesse. Jesse Schmidt. Steven Jesse Schmidt (he goes by his middle name). Anyway, yeah, I'm sure you could have guessed by now. My new boyfriend. We've been going out a couple weeks and I have already TOTALLY experienced more with this boy that I have ever with anyone, not sexually, so don't worry.

We hella click though, me and Jesse. AND not musically, well not really anyway. Meaning, he listens to like Emo and shit. I'm really into industrial now. We are hella different when it comes to the music department, but he's got me diggin' that Emo shit, man. He just does his little music sending magic and I'm hooked. I haven't sent him any real industrial, I know he wouldn't like it much, but I've got him into Kittie and whatnot. SR-71, Three Days Grace, Box Car Racer, 5 Days Dirty. Other shit I like. It's all good.

And we have already been through so much together. So fucking much. So I guess I should explain now. I've been over it so many times. So here's the shortened version: Drank at Caitin's, Lauren took 20 shots, mixed clear and dark alcohol, got severly drunk/sick/out of it, lots of shit was said, Jesse took care of me, Caitin's parents came home, was taken home by them, parents found out everything, now I'm in hella trouble (I can't spend ANY time with Jesse or go out or anything until Thanksgiving). Then Jesse had to come over with his mother and my parents and me and he and his mother all had a huge discussion in my front living room. All bad. And I was hella hung over. That was probably one of the worst experiences in my life. And after that incident, we've talked SO MUCH, and about SO MANY things. Our relationship, honesty, drinking, fear, past lovers, how much we care for each other... And what I said that night. I talked a lot about how I think I'm trash, and now I'll "never amount to Chelsea." Which doesn't mean what you would think. I simply didn't/don't think that Jesse can/will ever like me as much has his liked Chelsea. He told me that he likes me differently than he liked her, but I don't know. Oh well, anyway, so we've talked hella. And he's made me realize things about myself, like how I need to be more honest and make my opinion/thoughts/feelings known and heard. I'm going to try to do all those things, but I'm not sure... I'm going to try

On top of it all, he's 18. When I met him, he was 17. And he drives. Two things my parents aren't thrilled about... At all.

Also his mom thinks I'm a slut. And you can't say, "Oh no, Lauren, I'm sure she doesn't think that!" But she does. Because she told Jesse's brother, who told my best friend Laura, who told me. And I don't think either of them lie, I'm sure Laura doesn't so that leaves Evan... So, I bet you're wondering why the heck she would think I was a whore? Well, after we'd been going out for a total of a week, we were lying on his bed, making out, I didn't have a bra on, he only have one hand in veiw, I only had one hand in view. That's already intense. Then, in comes his mom, and she just like stands there, watching us. Like, "HELLO!? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING LADY!?" It was so weird. And then she started give us a sex talk and like asking me all these questions and telling me that she was going to tell my parents and it was all really uncomfortable and awkward. Ah, I seem to have forgotten to mention Jesse's prize winning ability to read my mind. All if a sudden he said, "Mom, this is really awkward..." And she was like, "Well, sometimes Jesse, things are awkward. If you guys could be just turn on a li..." And Jesse said, "Alright Mom, well turn on a light. Now leave." After she left we just lied there a while, not talking, just breathing, thinking what had happened, and trying to imagine that it never had. In the end, we were able to laugh about that incident.

Jesse and I have already discussed and decided that when (or if, God forbid) before) the school year is over we will break up, because will be going off to college, and he's not going to wait for me and I'm not going to wait for him. That's dumb shit. I know it's not possible, so yeah.

All in all, I hell of like Jesse.

Well, I hope whoever reads this entry enjoyed it, because who knows when I'll let you in on this much of my life again. I never tell people anything anymore, but no one's close to me anymore, so what can you do? Live on, live within, live in peace.

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Lazyness [04 Sep 2005|10:56pm]
[ mood | blah ]

I am too lazy to update this crap. Whatever.

Matt and I broke up. Big whoop.

School is pretty good.

I got drunk the other night and hooked up with Nelsen. And now I really like him and he doesn't like me. He told me he liked me that night too and I told him I couldn't trust him. But he assured me that I could. So what the fuck ever.

I am quite... Blehk right now. And I don't have anything else to say.

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Holy Fucking Shit, Last Night Was Crazy! [24 Aug 2005|12:25pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

Well I went to orenataion and whatnot. Got my locker and schedule (which rocks), chopped it up with friends and saw Matt (he's going to EHS now.)

Went home, ate...

Then I got my hair cut then I went to Bayfarm. We were supposed to be drinking. The UPS guy got us three giant bottles of Captain Morgan. Stephanie showed up and Nelsen biked to Elliot's house with the alcohol. When we were all there Nelsen told everyone that if they want to drink they have to pay 5 dollars so everyone was like fuck that. Then we all went to Elliot's park and to the bridge. Nelsen had a giantass bottle of Captain Morgan in his backpack and whle Matt was rolling a blunt for Johnny, Lauren, and Cole, he told Matt that if Matt rolled him a blunt Matt and I could drink 1/3 of the bottle. Matt of course agreed and went to go roll the blunt (Elliot, Stephanie, and I were just standing around with them.) All of a sudden security was walking up to us saying, "What do you have guys?" Elliot started walking away hella fast and Matt stood up leaving the blunt on the little table then it fell off. And then the security (two guys) were talking to Elliot and Elliot gave them his switchers (later they gave them back to him and took the alcohol.) Stephanie and I bolted because Cole, Johnny, and Lauren were smoking under the bridge. We grabbed them and ran for Elliot's (met up with Joey on the way) and waited for the boys (Matt, Nelsen, and Elliot) to come back. Then Matt came back a few minutes later Nelsen and Elliot came. We all went back to where Matt was rolling the blunt and picked up the remants and went to Elliot's house. Then the security came to Elliot's and told Elliot that they were going to come back later and talk to his parents and Elliot started freaking out. Everyone was freaking out. Matt called his house to see what was up there and his sister told him that his mom was out on Bayfarm looking for Matt. So he went hell of fast home. Then Cole, Joey, Stephanie, Johnny, Lauren, and left and starting walking and stuff. While we were gone the security came back to Elliot's and made Elliot pour the alcohol out in the street, for doing that they didn't tell Elliot's parents what happened.

We're still drinking on Thursday though.

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