It's kind of sad when you don't update for so long that you forget how to make your entry all nice. Oh nevermind, I don't know what you call it. That HTML shit. Yeah, when you forget that. But it's okay. Because I remembered that shit, maaannn.
So, basically, my life has DRASTICALLY changed. I hell of don't like Nelsen anymore, which was what I said in the last entry. But Nelsen is still a fucking cool ass guy with whom I haven't hung out with in OVER a month. That's how drastic this change is. I haven't GONE TO BAYFARM in OVER A MONTH! Wow. It's weird though. I hell of miss it. But I'm grounded... And I'll get into that later. But as soon as this shit is lifted, I'm off to Bayfarm. But ONLY for kicking it. ANOTHER CHANGE?! HELL YEAH! And I'll explain that later, too.
Since Kyle has left, we have traded a few letters. Him to me more than me to him, but that's because the letter I sent him... I mean... What I said... I didn't know what to say back. I told him that I didn't feel the same anymore. I haven't seen him in hell of long. Over two months. That's too long for me. I'm sorry, but it is. But, so, we're not like "together" anymore. And he called me yesterday. On my cell. Unfortunately, I am hell of sick and I was downstairs resting when he called and I didn't know because it was upstairs. What the heck, man. Because I hell of wanted to talk to him. I know it would have been awkward, like that's guaranteed, but still to tell him what's up and to explain why I only wrote one letter. Because, not knowing what to say WAS one of the reasons I never replied back, but another was because I'm taking that damn AP European History class. So I just about have NO TIME AT ALL. Ugh. And I have hella homework this weekend... Anyway, I missed his call. He said he'd call again. Maybe next time I'll get his call. But I also don't want to talk to him, I hate awkwardness, it's one of the worst and unfriendly things to experience. Oh well, I mean, what is there I can do about it? I certiantly can't ignore him forever, that's all bad. BUT... There is this huge other thing that Kyle will definitely not want to hear about.
Jesse. Jesse Schmidt. Steven Jesse Schmidt (he goes by his middle name). Anyway, yeah, I'm sure you could have guessed by now. My new boyfriend. We've been going out a couple weeks and I have already TOTALLY experienced more with this boy that I have ever with anyone, not sexually, so don't worry.
We hella click though, me and Jesse. AND not musically, well not really anyway. Meaning, he listens to like Emo and shit. I'm really into industrial now. We are hella different when it comes to the music department, but he's got me diggin' that Emo shit, man. He just does his little music sending magic and I'm hooked. I haven't sent him any real industrial, I know he wouldn't like it much, but I've got him into Kittie and whatnot. SR-71, Three Days Grace, Box Car Racer, 5 Days Dirty. Other shit I like. It's all good.
And we have already been through so much together. So fucking much. So I guess I should explain now. I've been over it so many times. So here's the shortened version: Drank at Caitin's, Lauren took 20 shots, mixed clear and dark alcohol, got severly drunk/sick/out of it, lots of shit was said, Jesse took care of me, Caitin's parents came home, was taken home by them, parents found out everything, now I'm in hella trouble (I can't spend ANY time with Jesse or go out or anything until Thanksgiving). Then Jesse had to come over with his mother and my parents and me and he and his mother all had a huge discussion in my front living room. All bad. And I was hella hung over. That was probably one of the worst experiences in my life. And after that incident, we've talked SO MUCH, and about SO MANY things. Our relationship, honesty, drinking, fear, past lovers, how much we care for each other... And what I said that night. I talked a lot about how I think I'm trash, and now I'll "never amount to Chelsea." Which doesn't mean what you would think. I simply didn't/don't think that Jesse can/will ever like me as much has his liked Chelsea. He told me that he likes me differently than he liked her, but I don't know. Oh well, anyway, so we've talked hella. And he's made me realize things about myself, like how I need to be more honest and make my opinion/thoughts/feelings known and heard. I'm going to try to do all those things, but I'm not sure... I'm going to try
On top of it all, he's 18. When I met him, he was 17. And he drives. Two things my parents aren't thrilled about... At all.
Also his mom thinks I'm a slut. And you can't say, "Oh no, Lauren, I'm sure she doesn't think that!" But she does. Because she told Jesse's brother, who told my best friend Laura, who told me. And I don't think either of them lie, I'm sure Laura doesn't so that leaves Evan... So, I bet you're wondering why the heck she would think I was a whore? Well, after we'd been going out for a total of a week, we were lying on his bed, making out, I didn't have a bra on, he only have one hand in veiw, I only had one hand in view. That's already intense. Then, in comes his mom, and she just like stands there, watching us. Like, "HELLO!? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING LADY!?" It was so weird. And then she started give us a sex talk and like asking me all these questions and telling me that she was going to tell my parents and it was all really uncomfortable and awkward. Ah, I seem to have forgotten to mention Jesse's prize winning ability to read my mind. All if a sudden he said, "Mom, this is really awkward..." And she was like, "Well, sometimes Jesse, things are awkward. If you guys could be just turn on a li..." And Jesse said, "Alright Mom, well turn on a light. Now leave." After she left we just lied there a while, not talking, just breathing, thinking what had happened, and trying to imagine that it never had. In the end, we were able to laugh about that incident.
Jesse and I have already discussed and decided that when (or if, God forbid) before) the school year is over we will break up, because will be going off to college, and he's not going to wait for me and I'm not going to wait for him. That's dumb shit. I know it's not possible, so yeah.
All in all, I hell of like Jesse.
Well, I hope whoever reads this entry enjoyed it, because who knows when I'll let you in on this much of my life again. I never tell people anything anymore, but no one's close to me anymore, so what can you do? Live on, live within, live in peace.